The result of some long and boring German classes
by PenguinsOnIce
Summary: A play featuring the SW characters (and some of our own) written by myself and 2 friends over the course of approx. 2 months. Please don't flame me because it is NOT an actual attempt at fanfiction. There's a sequel too (a work in progress), so let me kno


What if the Star Wars characters had to take our Beginner German class?  
  
A screwy, very random and confusing play, written over a time period of approximately 2 months, during some incredibly long and boring German classes. It's also crammed with inside jokes, and random use of Gerlish (German/English). Some of the German is real, some we made up.  
  
All written in good fun and not meant to offend anyone. NOT A SERIOUS ATTEMPT AT FANFIC.  
  
DISCLAIMER: All characters (except Hotguy, Erika & Crystal, Osama bin Laden and the Rogue Figure Skaters, Mr./Frau Schmidt, Darth Jesse and Darth Randy) belong to George Lucas, and we're not making money off this, blah blah blah. George may own Anakin and Obi-Wan, but Hayden Christensen actually lives in my basement, and Ewan McGregor lives in Svea's. We trade on weekends.  
  
WARNING: Contains extensive drug use and killing (not graphic, and most of it is bad guys dying anyway) so if this offends you, don't read!  
  
Written by: Steph, aka Anakah (I don't have 50 aliases like my friend down there () (Padmé) Svea, aka Arwen Evenstar, aka Korellyn, aka Kaelyn (Sabé) Sammy C (Yoda)  
  
*Dedicated to everyone whose ass was sore on the morning of May 16, as a result of sitting on a sidewalk for 8 or more hours to see the midnight premiere of AOTC. WE KICK ASS! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now for the greatest play ever written by anyone in the history of time.enjoy!  
  
*Frau Schmidt's Beg. German class - last period*  
  
*Padmé & Sabé are sitting at the back of the class, laughing at the two ditzy Padawans, Crystal and Erika, who always flirt with Anakin.*  
  
Padmé & Sabé: It's gonna be a looooooooong class. *singing* Fly! Fliegen! Fly! Fliegen!  
  
Anakin: Why do we have to learn this stupid language, anyway? I'd much rather be making out with Padmé.  
  
Padmé: Well, I am getting 99% in this class, so let's go! *Anakin & Padmé go off to make out.*  
  
Frau Schmidt: NEIN! You come here to lernen Deutsch, so you will lernen Deutsch!  
  
Obi-Wan: Frau Schmidt is right, Anakin. Making out is of the Dark Side. *Shoves Padmé into the corner.*  
  
Anakin: *whips out lightsaber (insert dirty joke here) and prepares to fight Obi-Wan* NO! DAMMIT! Everything is of the Dark Side! AAAAAHHHH!!! *Lunges at Obi-Wan*  
  
Frau Schmidt: NEIN! Kein lightsaber fights in meine Klasse! *Jumps between Obi & Ani and takes off her shirt. As her saggy boobs fall to the floor, everyone runs and shields their eyes.*  
  
Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Obi-Wan: It is of the Dark Side! It is of the Dark Side!  
  
Frau Schmidt: *Starts babbling about possessive pronouns and adjectives and stuff*  
  
Padmé: I really need to go to the bathroom.  
  
Frau Schmidt: NEIN! Do you want me to flash you again?  
  
Padmé: Nevermind.  
  
Erika: *Whining* I don't know how to do this.  
  
Crystal: *Takes 15 minutes to read 3 lines off the board*  
  
Padmé & Sabé: *Singing* I am slowly going crazy.  
  
*Another person enters the room.*  
  
Anakin: Hey! It's my Jedi friend, Hotguy! Come in and meet everyone, Hotguy!  
  
Hotguy: Yeah, I just got transferred into this class.  
  
Sabé: *Whispering to Padmé* Wow. He's really hot. No wonder his name is Hotguy.  
  
Padmé: Yeah, he is really cute. Too young for me though. I think he's looking at you!  
  
Sabé: Really? I hope so. *Stares dreamily at Hotguy*  
  
Padmé: Hey Anakin, can you use the Force to help me draw pictures for this stupid poem?  
  
Anakin: I can use the Force for lots of stuff, baby. *Looks suggestively at Padmé*  
  
*Anakin & Padmé go off to make out - again. This time Obi-Wan doesn't see, as he is examining a short, light blue robe from Padmé's bag.*  
  
Frau Schmidt: AAAAHH!!! Nein! Kein making out in meine Klasse!!!!! *Opens cupboard to reveal Anakin & Padmé making out* Now sitzen!  
  
*Everyone sits down, including a very angry Anakin & Padmé*  
  
Obi-Wan: *whispering* Hey Padmé. Can I borrow this cool blue robe?  
  
Padmé: *looks at Obi-Wan strangely* Uhh.sure Obi-Wan. Just don't spill anything on it.  
  
Hotguy: Hey, what's your name?  
  
Sabé: Hi Hotguy. My name's Sabé. I'm a handmaiden. I like your Jedi robe.  
  
Hotguy: Thanks. I like your outfit too. Red is definitely your color.  
  
Sabé: *Blushes modestly*  
  
Frau Schmidt: Now wir gehen outside.  
  
*They all go outside. Anakin & Padmé are all over each other until Frau Schmidt and Obi-Wan break them apart. Sabé and Hotguy are chatting about lightsabers and Sith Lords.*  
  
*Outside*  
  
Frau Schmidt: Now wir gehen to spielen memory. Und kein using the Force to cheat!  
  
Anakin: Damn.  
  
Hotguy: Hey Sabé. Look what I found! It's a cool ring! [Author's Note: No, it's not turning into a LOTR crossover]  
  
Sabé: Wow, that's a really pretty ring. Where did you find it?  
  
Hotguy: It was just lying on the ground. *Takes Sabé's hand and puts the ring on her finger* There. You can have it. It looks better on you than it would on me anyway.  
  
Sabé: *Blushes modestly*  
  
*All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes this really obnoxious looking guy. He's about 5'8 with brown hair and really fruity clothes. He's wearing the soccer jersey of the German national team and kicking a soccer ball.*  
  
Big Gay Soccer Player: Hey everyone. Sprechen y'all Deutsch?  
  
Everyone: Uhh.riiiiiiiight.  
  
Obi-Wan: And you are?  
  
Big Gay Soccer Player: I'm Darth-I mean, my name is, uhh.Jesse. Yeah, that's it.  
  
*Everyone looks at him suspiciously*  
  
Frau Schmidt: Jesse, I see you support Deutsch fu§ball! Das ist prima! Would you like to play memory with us?  
  
Big Gay Soccer Player: Sure! Deutsch ist prima!  
  
*Big Gay Soccer Player continues to suck up to Frau Schmidt. He is eyeing Sabé's new ring suspiciously*  
  
Padmé: Wow. The Toronto Maple Leafs sure do suck.  
  
Anakin: Yep. Too bad I couldn't play for them.  
  
Padmé: You'd look really hot in a hockey jersey, Anakin. *Anakin & Padmé start making out - again.*  
  
Jesse (Big Gay Soccer Player): Ah! It's my apprentice - I mean my friend, Randy. Come and meet everyone, Randy.  
  
*Randy introduces himself to everyone then goes to talk in the corner with Jesse. They are both suspiciously eyeing Sabé's ring. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan has given up on Anakin and leaves him & Padmé to make out while he (Obi- Wan) breaks open a whiskey on the rocks*  
  
Frau Schmidt: Now nobody is paying attention. *Starts babbling randomly in German*  
  
Jesse: She's really starting to piss me off.  
  
Randy: Me too.  
  
Jesse: I think it's time to test your skills, my young apprentice.  
  
Randy: *Grins evilly* Sweet. *Strikes Frau Schmidt with Force lightning*  
  
Everyone: Wa-hoo! She's dead!  
  
Obi-Wan: *Now slightly tipsy. Not drunk, but tipsy* You have saved us all! *Hugs Randy*  
  
Anakin: *Whispering* Uhh, Master, don't you think the fact that he used Force lightning is a bit suspicious?  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, no shit, Sherlock. It's really suspicious, but he got rid of that evil, evil Frau Schmidt. Now piss off! Why don't you go make out with Padmé?  
  
Anakin: Jeez, Master, you sure are a mean drunk. *Goes to make out with Padmé*  
  
Sabé: I'm really tired. All this flirting with Hotguy is exhausting! Maybe I'll go lay down and sleep for a while.  
  
Jesse: *Under his breath* Maybe I'll come with you.  
  
*Sabé leaves to go to sleep. She doesn't see Jesse following her. Randy has distracted everyone else, and Obi-Wan is drinking under a tree.  
  
Time passes.  
  
Obi-Wan has consumed a large amount of tequila. He has changed out of his Jedi robe into liederhosen and Padmé's blue robe. He has shaved his beard off and dyed his hair black. He is singing music from 'The Sound of Music'. Waterfalls are in the background (think Episode 2 - cheesy waterfall scene).*  
  
Obi-Wan: *Singing* The hills are alive.  
  
Anakin: *Whips rotten fruit at Obi-Wan* SHUT UP MASTER!! YOU SUCK!!  
  
Obi-Wan: *Still singing* .with the sound of music.  
  
*Everyone tackles Obi-Wan - they tie him up and shove him in a tree. Sabé comes running out with Jesse following her.*  
  
Sabé: AAAAAHH! Save me!!! He tried to take my ring!!! *Runs and hides behind Hotguy*  
  
Hotguy: What do you want with her ring?  
  
Jesse: Uh.uh.uh.  
  
Obi-Wan: Let's get him, guys!  
  
*Hotguy, Anakin and a very drunk Obi-Wan prepare to kick Jesse's ass when suddenly-*  
  
Everyone: FRAU SCHMIDT!!!!  
  
Frau Schmidt: I have come to save Sabé. *Kicks Jesse's ass*  
  
Obi-Wan: *Now completely pissed - slurring and falling all over the place* But I thought you were dead!  
  
Frau Schmidt: That was my decoy. I have come to save you all from the evil Sith Lord - Darth Jesse!  
  
Everyone: *Shocked gasp*  
  
Frau Schmidt: And his apprentice, Darth Randy!  
  
Everyone: *Another shocked gasp*  
  
Obi-Wan: Well, now that that's all figured out. *Drunkenly stumbles over to Frau Schmidt* How you doin'?  
  
Frau Schmidt: Eew! Nein! Du bist widerlich!  
  
Yoda: Hmm.very drunk you are, Obi-Wan. How embarassing.  
  
Obi-Wan: Hey look! A little green lawn gnome. Hello, lawn gnome! *Pats Yoda on the head*  
  
Yoda: Yes.very drunk you are. Also pissing me off. Kick your ass, I must. *Force-throws Obi-Wan into a tree - however, this doesn't stop him. Obi-Wan continues to flirt with Frau Schmidt. All of a sudden, Mr. Schmidt comes in and sees Obi-Wan flirting with his wife*  
  
Mr. Schmidt: You dirty little Jedi-scum! Halten flirten with meine Frau!!  
  
Obi-Wan: But she's hot, dude!  
  
Mr. Schmidt: NEIN! Du bist ein Shei§e!  
  
Obi-Wan: Loosen up dude. Have a beer.  
  
Mr Schmidt: NEIN! I challenge you to a lightsaber duel!  
  
Anakin: Uhh, hate to break it to ya man, but you're not a Jedi. You don't have a lightsaber.  
  
Mr Schmidt: Oh yeah. Crap. Can I borrow yours?  
  
Padmé: *From behind a tree* Anakin! Dammit, hurry up! Just give him your lightsaber and get back here! Wait. On second thought, you'd better bring your "lightsaber" over here with you! *Winks suggestively and disappears behind the tree*  
  
Anakin: *Looking after Padmé* Uhh.I gotta go. Here, take this. *Tosses his lightsaber to Mr. Schmidt as he runs off to find Padmé*  
  
Mr. Schmidt: Yes! Now I can battle you, Jedi-scum! *Turns to find Obi-Wan crying on a dog*  
  
Obi-Wan: Why doesn't she want me, Abakanar? I love her so much!  
  
Mr. Schmidt: My God man, you are pathetic.  
  
*Someone randomly throws a lightsaber to the dog, who catches it in his mouth and corners Mr. Schmidt*  
  
Abakanar: Now you will die, uhh.German-scum!  
  
Mr. Schmidt: I think not, Teufelhund!  
  
*A lightsaber battle ensues between Abakanar the Jedi Dog and Mr. Schmidt. Obi-Wan is still crying in the corner, and Anakin & Padmé are still making out behind the tree. Meanwhile.*  
  
Hotguy: There's just too much violence here for me. I mean, I'm a Jedi! I'm a peace lovin' brotha! I must escape!  
  
Sabé: But I love you!  
  
Hotguy: You do?  
  
Sabé: I do. I truly, deeply love you.  
  
*Waterfalls suddenly appear in the background*  
  
Hotguy: Let's run away together!  
  
Sabé: Let's! We can go to Kamino! And live happily ever after.  
  
*So Hotguy and Sabé prepare for their trip to Kamino. Abakanar is kicking Mr. Schmidt's ass, so he gives, up, grabs Frau Schmidt and runs away*  
  
Abakanar: Yes! I am victorious. *Trots off into the sunset/waterfalls*  
  
Hotguy: Ready to go?  
  
Sabé: Yep. Hey, where are Anakin & Padmé? They should come with us too.  
  
*All of a sudden, Osama bin Laden and his band of Rogue Figure Skaters appear in a huge truck. Osama's driving and the skaters (which include such washed-up no-talents as Elvis Stojko and Todd Eldridge) are in the back. Also, Jabba the Hutt is sitting in the passenger seat next to Osama. Which shows you just how big the truck is.*  
  
Osama: DIE JEDI-SCUM!!! Because I am such a coward and can't do anything myself, all will feel the wrath of my band of Rogue Figure Skaters! And if that doesn't work, Jabba will sit on you! And if that doesn't work.ah hell, I'll just run you all over with my huge truck!  
  
Yoda: Damn, fine joint this is!  
  
Anakin: Master Yoda! Drugs are bad!  
  
Yoda: *Takes a drag and bursts into maniacal laughter*  
  
*The truck drives by and knocks out Yoda's joint. Jabba laughs at him, so Yoda Force-explodes Jabba's head. Yoda then Force-pulls his joint back, takes a drag, and starts singing.*  
  
Yoda: Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high. *More maniacal laughter*  
  
Osama: I'll get that fruity-looking one first. *Points at Obi-Wan*  
  
Obi-Wan: I've got a baaaaad feeling about this. *Takes one last shot of tequila as the truck runs him over*  
  
*All the Rogue Figure Skaters pile out of the truck and start to run towards everyone. They are singing their infamous battle cry*  
  
Rogue Figure Skaters: Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Ah, ah, ah, ah stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive.  
  
Mace Windu: Uhh, excuse me, excuse me everyone. As the official censor of this play, I must say something. Now, we're okay with the drinking, the drugs, the sex and the killing, but NO BEE-GEES. That's way over the line here, people. Thank you very much. *Ushers R.F.S.s off the stage*  
  
*Osama points the truck at Padmé and Sabé, in an attempt to run them down. Hotguy and Anakin push them out of the way and prepare to kick Osama`s ass. All of a sudden, the truck falls over and bursts into flames. Osama gets out, pulling a double-bladed lightsaber from the burning truck. While the two Jedi are fighting the might-as-well-be-a-Sith-since-he's-evil-enough, Darth Jesse and Darth Randy return to the stage and try to flirt with Padmé and Sabé.*  
  
Sabé: AAAH! No, dammit! We're spoken for, you morons! *Tosses a blaster to Padmé*  
  
Padmé: Time to kick some Sith ass. *Padmé and Sabé fight off the advances of the evil Sith Lord and his apprentice and prepare to beat them to a bloody pulp.*  
  
Padmé: Dammit, I'm tired. Can't we just shoot them and be done with it?  
  
Sabé: *Rolls eyes* Oh fine. *They shoot them*  
  
Anakin: Wow, I never knew those Sith guys were such pansies!  
  
Hotguy: Yeah, those were pretty easy kills. *To Anakin* We should probably get back to killing this guy.  
  
Anakin: Oh yeah. Him. *Turns to Osama* You're still here?  
  
Osama: *Rolls eyes* No one takes me seriously these days.  
  
*Hotguy and Anakin chop off Osama's head. The four of them pile into Padmé's cool ship and head to Kamino. Yoda wanders back in from wherever he went, which was probably to acquire more pot.*  
  
Yoda: *Singing* I was gonna kill those Jedi freaks - and then I got high. I was gonna chop their heads off - but then I got high. Now I've become one of them, and I know why - because I got high, because I got high, because I got high. *Takes drag of joint and wanders off into the waterfalls*  
  
DAS ENDE! 


End file.
